A week ago, I woke up on my couch this afternoon, with a lingering sour smell in my nose, a bad taste in my mouth and a neck ache - I had thrown up the previous night at home, after drinking a little bit too much with some friends. Despite all of these gross things, I woke up feeling an odd sense of tranquility, peace and contentment - I think I can finally say I'm truly happy with life right now. I can't fully put into words what this feeling is but I wanted to eternalise these thoughts as best as I can by writing about it here. Also because I have not written for fun in a while and that is unbearably stifling for the creative 'Sam' in me.
It might sound odd that I came to this 'realisation' (for lack of a better word) after a night of drinking beer and soju and it didn't just happen overnight. In the last few months, some things happened that led to this built-up of negative emotions: singlehood/ not being returned money I loaned to people/ someone I knew had passed away from leukemia/ my friends graduating while I was still a long way from doing so. And all of these just accumulated and I drowned myself in work to keep my mind from thinking too much (and also because I wanted to earn money). Of course, I've realised using work as a coping mechanism isn't healthy after falling ill months ago. I am a workaholic by nature and I know that much about myself, but this time I've really learnt to chill for a bit and squeeze in a little 'me' time.
Now that the semester is over, I've spent some time thinking about these issues. In the past few months, I've had to learn to be alone again and I didn't give myself enough time to heal following my breakup. I think that was what affected me the most - this unfamiliar loneliness. I was surrounded by family and friends I loved but I was still very lonely. Truth be told, I somehow became consumed by this desire for love again and I found myself in this unhealthy phase where I would develop a liking for one guy after another. I started to fear a future where I'd die alone. And I think I became someone who kind of lost direction in life; I just wanted to find someone I could love so I could get married and be a wife/mother. It was such an odd thing for me. I mean, I love children but I've always felt like I'd love them for the two hours I could play with them. Haha.
When people asked me what I wanna do in life, I reply with confidence and little to no hesitation: "film". I dont know which aspect of film yet, but I know that's the way I'm headed. I did act in a couple of short films during the last few months, which were all such great opportunities, but I got so busy with/distracted by all of these negative feelings that I stopped pursuing film actively. I forgot to invest time and effort to do the things I love and truly care about.
Now that I've got a lot more time on my hands, I've had a couple of things planned for this space in the next couple of weeks. I'm so excited to write about my time in the Philippines where I got to attend a dear friend's wedding, and to write about about my second-to-last semester at NUS - my last one with friends?! :'(
I'm gonna be heading to Seoul next Friday for 2 weeks - 너무 신난요!!!! I've got some plans for when I'm back but nothing is set in stone yet. I am, however, going to be trying out for the Travel Intern programme, which will hopefully take me abroad from July to December before I return to school again, so fingers crossed~
Meanwhile, to whoever who's reading this, I hope you're having a great summer so far!! If you're still preparing for the exams, hang in there the end is near. It would be cliche to end off this post with a quote, but I'm gonna do it anyway because it was this that kind of woke me up from my weird sad self:
You live longer once you realise that any time spent being unhappy is wasted.