I'm nothing but a speck in the Universe, yet it heard me.
Lately from the balcony of my HDB flat, I'd spend nights counting stars and watching neon lights of the distant shopping mall change colours. It would be long past midnight. The neighbourhood was asleep. Besides the sounds of cicadas singing and the occasional cat fight, it was quiet. I could hear my breathing and my thoughts. I'd take a deep breath of fresh, unpolluted air and watch the moonlight dance on the lake (or parts of the lake I could see from where I stood anyway). The sweet caress of the night breeze lingers on my naked face. I'd speak with the skies in hopes of getting some answers. My mind had been so convoluted. And I think the Universe heard my call for help, for it came to me a few days ago, through someone I'd met at the restaurant where I have been working part-time.
If that video was too long for you, in short: Thursday, about 9.30pm. I was three hours into my shift at the restaurant and we were slowly clearing tables and closing the place. It was an ordinary day albeit a little bit busy for a Thursday. Someone I had known to be at the restaurant whenever there was a media hosting session was there, hosting a couple of media people. We had exchanged friendly banter before but nothing much - all I knew was her name (Hi, Felicia!) and what to expect whenever she was at the restaurant. So we spoke and she brought up my #styleXbootcamp days. I was shookt.
Before that I was in a weird funk; my body resisted my packed schedule by way of crumbling and I was generally consumed by this persistent negativity (perhaps partly as a result of my sick physique). Home was the place I hated to be and I made no effort to hide it. No real conversation would occur where I lived; I was either always told what not to wear or what to wear (I mean, I don't dress the way most people dressed but fashion was how I expressed myself now that I can't do that through hair colour) or told not to draw my eyebrows a certain way because they weren't natural or to pack up the place because Chinese New Year was coming.
So all that negativity manifested in me and I started doubting everything in my life - was film really something I was meant to do? Why am I writing? Who would listen to anything I have to say? Why would anyone listen to anything I have to say anyway? I was in a really. bad. place. And I found solace in the night skies.
That 1-minute conversation that transpired between Felicia and I, despite it being so brief, was something I really needed and I think the Universe gave that to me at a time when I was giving up on living. I wasn't giving up on life, but surely I was not living. I truly am amazed at how this answer (for lack of better word) came to me; the Universe heard me. I can't put into words well enough what this entire experience felt like, neither can I fully express my belief in the workings of the Universe here. Not now anyway. But I wanted to pen this down on the blog before launching into the Lunar New Year celebrations.
On a lighter note, I hope yall get to pig out this new year HAHA 祝你新的一年快乐幸福!